


War of Wits and Brains

by Heichous_Poncho



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Female Hange Zoë, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Prank Wars, Self Prompt, everything is as it is in the show, i spell her name Hanji, maybe like a kiss, possible smut although I highly doubt it, yeah no smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-28
Updated: 2014-11-01
Packaged: 2018-02-23 01:20:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2528759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heichous_Poncho/pseuds/Heichous_Poncho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi makes Eren clean to ungodly hours so Eren retaliates. But Eren is not the only one who knows how to set a good prank. If it was a war Levi wanted, a war he would get.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. So It Begins

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know what this headcanon is. This is just a tiny fic of three chapters. I hope to finish this story this week because I don't want to drag it out. So it'll probably be updated Thursday and then Friday or Saturday.   
> Thanks for reading and come to my tumblr, chibinico.tumblr.com, also located in my bio.

The entire thing was Levi’s fault. It was always because of him that I had a hard time in the Survey Corps. I, Eren Jeager, had done absolutely nothing to provoke the monster within Levi except for an accident but this time, I would not let Levi’s wrongdoing go without a fight back. If Levi wanted a war, a war he’d get.  
-X-  
It was around the middle of July when I pranked Levi. The asshole had it coming though if you ask me. I was walking into the dining hall for dinner with Mikasa and Armin, talking about our training in the woods earlier that same day, when Levi approached me. I could tell something was off by his expression. He looked ready to beat the living shit out of someone. Naturally of course, that person was me. 

“What the fuck are you doing, Jeager?” He sounded pissed. My legs almost started to noticeably tremble even though I was already shaking slightly. 

I swallowed and took a breath. “I am just going to the dining hall with Mikasa and Armin for dinner. We just got back from training in the woods.” I thought I had answered correctly by telling the truth but I was oh so very wrong. Levi nearly lifted me up and forced my back on the wall of dining hall. I shut my eyes on the impact with the wall. I heard Mikasa let out a guttural cry and opened my eyes to see she had moved to protect me but Armin caught her before she got any closer to Levi and me. 

“Did you seriously not see what you have been doing since you stepped into the castle? Are you that insolent?” Levi looked absolutely murderous now. I shook my head to the side unsure of how to answer Levi. His grip on me tightened before he let me go, watching as I nearly stumbled. “You have been trailing dirt all though out this goddamn castle. Everywhere you have gone since training. Look behind you.”

I glanced behind me to see that he was right. A trail of dirt and mud led down the hall we just came from. I looked down at my boots to see that they were covered in filth from when I had accidentally fell into a mud puddle. I offered Levi a sheepish grin, “Sorry I guess.” 

“You know who cleans this castle to keep it tip top? I do. Even when I do not have the time, I make time to do it. But tonight, I wanted a night off. Obviously now that is not going to happen so I’ll do something else instead. You Eren, will clean this entire room and each hallway with dirt to my standards tonight starting right after dinner.” Levi sounded deadly calm so I knew he was livid and serious. 

“Y-yes Corporal, sir,” I managed to choke out. He turned and sat back down at his table with Hanji and Erwin. 

Dinner flew by so fast, I did not even think it actually happened. I looked at the clock showing that it was 8:15 and the next thing I knew, Levi and I were alone in the dining hall with a broom, mop, and a bucket filled with soapy water. “Get to it,” Levi said with a particularly bored tone. 

I did not leave until 3:45 a.m. That bastard.

As I went to my chambers in the basement, I passed a door leading to outside. I was carrying the bucket we used to clean the floors. The opportunity was there and never had such a good idea popped into my head. I looked around to make sure no one saw me, and fled through the door. Once outside, I looked to my right and left. There was a mud puddle on my left so I ran to it. Once I was there, I gathered as much mud and dirt as I could into the bucket and ran back inside. I crept up the stairs to Levi’s quarters and looked outside his door. Sure enough out stood his boots, already shined by the laundry cleaners. I sped towards them and hefted my bucket. Slowly I poured the mud concoction bit by bit into both boots. Once happy with the amount of mud in each boot, I sprinted down the stairs to the basement, turned the corner into my cell, and practically leaped into my bed. I frantically wiped the mud on my hands on my shirt and then pulled it off. Once Levi woke up in the morning I knew I would be a goner but for some odd reason, I still fell asleep with a smile on my face. 

Sure enough a couple hours later, everyone in the castle woke to an ungodly scream of pure anger.   
-X-  
[Levi’s POV]  
I woke up that morning tired from the night before. Eren just couldn’t seem to understand how to actually clean things. After a few muttered curses and groans, I managed to roll out of bed. As I began getting ready for the day, I kept thinking over last night. Maybe I had been too hard on Eren, demanding him to clean non-existent dirt. He did not really mean to trail dirt into the castle after all. And staying up until nearly 4:00 in the morning only to wake at 6:30, was the cruelest thing to do. I finished brushing my teeth and my bath and began dressing. I pulled out my neatly folded shirt, pants, and jacket sliding them all on with no wrinkles showing. I went to my closet and brought out my 3DMG and swore again when I had to take off my jacket. While securing the straps to my legs and chest, I decided to go and rearrange Eren’s schedule so that he would get more sleep. It was only fair since he stayed that late without any complaining about how unfair it was. 

Finished with adjusting my straps, I went to the dresser to get my cravat. I arranged neatly and proceeded to leave my room. My boots were outside my door, shining brilliantly from their superb polishing from the laundry workers. I would have to remember to repay them somehow. 

I bent down and grabbed a boot. It felt a little heavier than usual but I did not think much of it. I slipped my foot inside and nearly vomited. When I retracted my foot, it was covered in mud and other gunk from outside. I grabbed my other shoe and felt with my hand if it was the same problem. My hand was covered in even more mud and gunk when I pulled it back. 

“Fuck,” I whispered quietly. “FUCK!” This time I screamed it as loud as I could. Who the hell would even try to mess with me like this? Hanji was not here for this week so I knew she would not be behind this. My mind screamed at me that it had to be related to mud somehow so I raked my brain trying to figure out anyone that I had been in contact with lately that had to do with mud. The answer hit me like a Titan’s fist. 

It was Eren. 

The same Eren who would no longer get a schedule change, an apology, or sympathy of any sort. Before I could get back at the little shithead though, I needed to save my shoes somehow so I sprinted towards the laundry room. They should know an answer. 

I burst into the room startling the people inside; a glare was deeply set on my face. I lifted my mud filled shoes and emptied them into a bucket. “Can you save them?” I growled. They quivered in their spots, most likely because I just scared the shit out of them. This logic defied me however and my rage only flared. “CAN YOU FUCKING SAVE THEM?” One brave soul stumbled out to meet me. They took the shoes from me and turned them over, looking all over. Then he looked up, his face shining. 

“I think we can save them, although there might be a small bit of mud stuck inside for a day or two.” 

“How long will it take?” 

“Two to three hours maybe? I am not fully sure but definitely not over four hours.” The man smiled up at me, but it was obviously a forced smile. I felt bad for making them shit their pants so I lessen my glare. 

“Ok tell me how to do it.” My shoes had been handled by too many people. I would do it myself. The man nodded and explained the process of cleaning the shoes carefully. I found a stool and sat down. Each gunk of mud and dirt removed was only adding fuel to the fire of how much I wanted to beat the shit out of Eren. That fire intensified into an inferno when a young woman came over.

“Um Corporal?” I nodded my head to show I was listening. She continued. “Do you want a new pair of pants to while we wash the mud off those ones?” I looked at my usually pristine white pants to find hints of mud, most likely from my boots when I sprinted over here. Heavily sighing, I nodded my head again and the girl left to get new pants. 

I would not lose whatever the idiot Eren had started. I would show him how to properly respect his squad leader. And if embarrassment would teach him best, who was I to deny him of it?


	2. Trials and Determination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi retaliates but Eren is a persistent little shit. The prelude to Hell breaking loose.

I watched as Corporal Levi came onto the field for training. He seemed especially ticked off today. Most likely because of me and my shenanigans of filling his boots with mud. He started handing out our schedules and directing us to superiors. Once he reached me, he gave me a murderous smirk that told me he planned something absolutely horrible as revenge. I nervously looked at schedule and my face dropped. I had experiments with Hanji all day and then 3DMG training at night to “make sure I do not fall behind” according the paper.  
I muttered a few curses under my breath because I did not want to give Levi any satisfaction from my schedule from Hell. Instead of visibly pouting, I smiled to the best of my ability and gave my heart*. It would be interesting to see which one of us could hold on the longest and I could not lose what I had started. So I sucked it all up, turned and ran to where Hanji was noticeably excited.  
“EREN! I get to do experiments all day with you and your body!” She scrounged up her face in confliction. “I really should have phrased that better. Much better. First on my list we have transformations. We need to see how long you can stay in your Titan form before you lose control. Then we will also test endurance during that first trial. It may have to be done a couple of times so do not put your hand away! We also are going to try to see if no sunlight makes you sleepy like other Titans. And a couple more tests if we have time so come on! Not a minute can be wasted!” Hanji was practically jumping with excitement but I knew these trials would make me very tired and disoriented after only two hours. I had to do this the whole day though, before 3DMG training and that was a whole different story.  
I was so fucking screwed.  
~ Eight hours later~  
I fell to the ground unable to move from exhaustion. The minute Hanji said we were done, my body lost all its energy. I felt like throwing up and could feel the bile coming up. I never did that many transformations in one day, let alone in eight hours. I looked at the sinking sun and threw my arm across my face. The entire day was so physically taxing, I really did not know if I could move without showing everyone my lunch.  
“Eren are you okay? Did I overdo it?” Even though Hanji tried to be gentle, I could still hear the curiosity and excitement in her voice.  
“I think I am going to throw up if I move from this spot.” I did not even try to put any emotion other than exhaustion in my voice.  
“I should certainly hope not because not only would you clean it, but you would be late for your 3DMG training.” The smirk on Levi’s face was evident just from his words. This guy would surely kill me one day. I groaned and faced him. He was holding my gear effortlessly despite the fact that it weighed so much. I could not let him see me so defeated so I mustered up a smile and energy and sat up, forcing back a wave of nausea.  
“I was just joking around. I am ready when you are.” I returned the smirk and began putting on my gear. I could feel Levi’s eyes on me when I adjusted my straps. I could not explain why it was making me so self-conscious but I patted my hair down to make it seem presentable; a move which had no prevail.  
“Let’s go Eren.” Levi turned and brought me into the woods. I followed him smiling, despite the dread building up in my gut. “Okay you know the drill. Go kill the Titans and then I’ll give you corrections and tips.” I had not even killed my first Titan before I was corrected. “Do not use your gear when it is not necessary. It slows you down doing pointless tricks.” This comment I could not ignore.  
“But you always spin and stuff? How come I suddenly cannot?”  
“You are showing off and decreasing your speed, I increase my speed and I just so happen to look good while doing it.”  
I could not fucking take Levi at all. He was smug because he knew I could not handle his prank. It was so fucking annoying. Despite being determined to beat him, I knew I had to wait at least a week until I could get him again. I spent the rest of the training practice and dinner thinking of something so horrible it would be known to everyone what was going on and how I was winning.  
My best idea yet came to me just as I saw Levi adjust his cravat.  
~a week later~  
The loud talking from everyone stopped as Levi came into the view. Even Sasha and Connie stopped goofing around to see what Levi had on. The grin on my face was impossible to contain, try as I might have. Levi looked like a teen who just went through a huge growth spurt. All his clothes were two sizes too small, even his cravat had been cut back. Even though it was apparent that Levi was absolutely livid, I decided to push my luck.  
“Um Corporal Levi, do you need some bigger clothes there?” Connie and Sasha both burst out laughing at my comment and eventually, we all were laughing so hard there were tears in our eyes.  
Levi’s eyes met mine with obvious statements shooting daggers at me. If looks could kill, I would be deep fried alive and then burned at the stake. He slapped his against a table and drew the room to silence. “Shut the fuck up right fucking now because I have enough shit to deal with right now without taking care of you fucking babies. So my clothes are a little short, who the fuck cares? Not me. Now if you do not mind I wanted to discuss the next mission plan with you shits.”  
Levi had been shaken up but not nearly as much as I had hoped. Either way, I knew I was in some deep shit with him.  
The day’s training commenced the same as the entire week had been, 3DMG in the morning and then battle strategies in the afternoon until dinner. I spent the day around Mikasa and Armin again despite their disapproving glares. I had told them I started a prank war with Levi and instead of cheers of encouragement, they both looked at me like I was a hopeless case and I should be grateful they were there to guide me down a right path.  
After I had showered, I headed back to my basement chambers shivering. The seasons were changing and the basement was getting really cold. I hated that the most about sleeping in the basement. It was really infuriating how cold it would get. As I said hello to my guard who would lock me in for the night, I could tell something was off about my cell.  
There were no blankets or pillows. In a room that was most likely in the fifties. Levi no doubt took them. As I turned to retrieve them, the guard was gone and I was locked in. So much for getting them back. Glaring at my stripped bed, I grudgingly climbed onto the bed and tried to shut my eyes. Even I was so tired, I could not get to sleep for another two hours.  
The next prank I would pull on Levi would have to be my worst, most incredible one yet. There was no way it could be topped by Levi and it had to be the final prank. With that prank, I would win the war and destroy Levi. I smiled to myself and rolled over onto my stomach, bringing up my feet to warm my toes. Slipping into unconsciousness, I spoke aloud, “You may have won this round, but I will win the war, Levi”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *- in case you didn't know, giving your heart means doing the salute  
> Next chapter is the last one and Hell breaks loose between the pranksters.  
> Find me at my tumblr, chibinico.tumblr.com.  
> Sorry i couldn't format this as nice :/


	3. The Final Prank

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the end of the war and Eren pulls his biggest prank yet. Levi has flipped his shit before but NEVER like this.

I wish I could say that I woke up tangled in my bed sheets, but I could not because I did not have bed sheets. For the second week now. It seemed we reached a stalemate, Levi and I. I would not give him his properly sized clothes and he would not give me back my sheets. My next prank would be my last and most embarrassing. Something that would truly make Levi furious and unable to keep his composure. 

Something that would make him ask for a truce. 

I told Mikasa and Armin my horrible plan and even they were deeply shaken. Mikasa almost gutted me when I told her what I was going to do. Armin began sweating profusely and shakings, ready to bolt at the slightest noise. They both begged me to change my mind but I had stubbornness in my genes. Nothing would stop me from seeing Levi in his worst state. 

It would commence tonight. I would pull the ultimate prank on Levi tonight. 

That night I woke up an hour ready to gather my needed materials. I had to hurry before anyone saw me going into the supply closet. Quickly, I grabbed the biggest box of unused paints and bolted back to my cell. Luckily, my cell door was still open so I went in and hid the box until I would use it later that night. I put it nest to my toilet since I knew no one would be checking there for at least twelve hours. After safely tucking away my box of stolen goods, I went upstairs to breakfast and met up with Mikasa and Armin. Before I could actually reach them however, Levi came and stood in my way. Immediately I stopped and gave my heart. 

“At ease Eren,” Levi replied looking bored as usual. I dropped my salute and looked at him. “I just wanted to let you know that I will be training you today and that if any funny business occurs, I will personally fuck you up and then drag your sorry piece of ass to Erwin.” With a glare, he turned on his heels and walked back to his table. I sat down with Mikasa and Armin.

“Are you really going through with this?” Mikasa asked. 

“I am indeed but I may change it slightly.” I scarfed down my bowl of oatmeal and stood. “I have training with the little guy today so I will see you later.” I excused myself and went to get my gear. After securing my straps, I looked in the mirror. I tried to make my hair neat and orderly but it did not work in my favor. I decided my hair was a lost cause and looked at my face instead. As I turned my neck however, I saw Levi with a smirk on his face leaning in the doorway. 

“No please continue, if this is your morning routine why don’t you finish? Just ignore me.”

Truthfully it was my morning routine but I would not tell Levi this so I lied. “No I was just checking, um…” 

“You cannot lie for shit. It is actually embarrassing.” He stood up with perfect posture. “Stop whatever the fuck you were actually doing and follow me. Sooner we start, sooner we finish.” 

The training with Levi was just as meticulous as before but surprisingly, my technique and speed in 3DMG increased with lesson. Levi apparently knew how to teach a person. I almost felt bad about what I was going to do to him tonight. Almost. 

The day dragged on and seemed pointless but once dinner was over I snuck down to my cell and dragged out my box of goods. I ran up the stairs and put them in a closet directly across from the dining hall. Making sure no one saw me I left the closet and walked back to Armin’s room, pretending I was there the whole time. 

When the curfew bell rang, I snuck out of my cell and into the closet across the dining hall. I grabbed a couple of big paintbrushes and my box of goods. Silently, I crept into the dining hall and closed the door. I chose a spot of the wall directly across where Levi sat, a place visible to everyone, and began painting. 

-X-

[Levi’s POV]

I woke up dreading the day. I was really getting tired of Eren and his pranks but I would not let them get the best of me. I still had to wear clothes a size to short but I still had the boy’s sheets so I did not mind as much. I got out of bed and grudgingly put on the too small uniform and proceeded to brush my teeth and floss. Satisfied that I looked appropriate, or as appropriate as I could with a size too small on, I walked out to the dining hall.

When I stepped in the whole place went silent. I knew immediately that Eren pulled something big. I looked up and felt as if I was submerged in a bucket of ice. On the wall behind where I sat, was a painting of me dressed very suggestively, with the words “Humanity’s Strongest” on my cheeks. My painted eyes were nearly overflowing with lust and my painted fingers were extended as if I was asking anyone in the room to join me. If the painting had been anyone else, I would have applauded the artist. But it was me. And because it was me, I flipped my shit.

“WHO THE FUCK THINKS THAT THEY CAN DO THIS AND NOT PAY THE GODDAMN PRICE?” I was practically screeching. “WELL? SPEAK UP BECAUSE YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE THE GUTS TO DO THIS!” I already knew who it was but at this point I did not care. I wanted to vent and it might as well be in front of everyone. “I HAVE BEEN HUMILIATED ENOUGH! FIRST YOU GET MY SHOES AND FILL THEM WITH SHIT. THEN YOU SWITCH ALL MY CLOTHES FOR A SIZE THAT WAS TOO GODDAMN SMALL. I WANT MY FUCKING CLOTHES BACK TODAY, IN THE PROPER SIZE. AND NOW THIS. ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF? ARE YOU FINALLY HAPPY YOU FUCKER? I HOPE YOU HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE OF THE SURVEY CORPS BECAUSE AFTER THIS LITTLE STUNT, I WILL TRY MY DAMNDEST TO HAVE YOU KICKED OUT.” I could feel my body shaking and before I did something stupid, I turned, kicked open the door, and stormed off to Erwin’s office. I was not kidding about trying to get Eren kicked out. This was crossing the line. To have my authority ripped away like that. 

“Levi! Wait!” I heard Hanji coming down and I stopped my frantic pace. She caught up to me about two seconds later and immediately started talking.

“My office. Right now. No choice. You need to vent before you barge into Erwin’s office.” I graciously accepted her offer despite the look on my face. Once in her office I recalled the entire prank war between Eren and I. She nodded and once I was done began speaking. 

“Do you want Eren to be kicked out?”

“No”

“Do you want him to be punished at least slightly?”

“He cannot be punished because I took part of it in the beginning.”

“Does he know that?”

“No,” I felt a great idea creep into my mind. It must have shown on my face because Hanji asked me excitedly what I was thinking. “I know how I’m going to win this after all.”

“How?” Hanji was squealing in delight.

“I can blackmail him into calling a truce but say that instead of kicking him out and telling Erwin, the pranks just have to stop.” Even my own voice was getting excited and I had to contain myself from jumping up and grabbing the nearest bottle to celebrate. 

“That is a great plan Levi!” Hanji was bouncing and most likely because I was back in control of myself and had carefully put a lid on my boiling pot of anger. 

“Hanji,” I said gently. “Thank you. Seriously thanks a lot. I completely lost it and blew my shit but you helped me calm down and not do anything too rash.” 

“Thank you Levi but honestly what kind of friend would I be if I let you rage like that? No one likes to see you like that, not even Eren. Try as he might hide it, that boy is head over heels for you and he knows it. And for an even bigger matter, what type of scientist would I be if I let my own Titan go willingly? “Hanji smiled at my discomfort.

“I do not like him in the slightest. But only you Shit Face, would think that Eren is head over heels for me.” Hanji beamed once I called her Shit Face so she knew I was back to normal stressed Levi. I turned to leave and gave a Hanji a wave before I opened her office door. 

I sped back to the training fields, where everyone was at that time. I found Eren and zeroed in on him. “EREN JAEGER!” I shouted loud enough to get his and everyone else’s attention. “GET THE FUCK OVER HERE NOW.” I had to keep the charade of my anger up long enough that Eren would piss his pants. He staggered over clearly afraid. He gave his heart weakly. “You are coming with me you little piece of shit." 

“Y-Yes sir,” he squeaked. I led him to my office and told him to sit in a chair. 

“What the hell Eren?” I said it loud enough to still be taken as angry but honestly I was trying to keep from laughing. By the way he was squirming uncomfortably in his chair, I’d say he pissed himself. “If you want to stay in the Survey Corps, you need to stop pranking. Return everything to me tonight and clean the wall in the dining hall, all by tonight, and then maybe I will not tell Erwin what has happened this morning and the past weeks. Deal?”

“Absolutely Corporal! Do you want me to wash all your laundry, use special soap for the wall? Anything you say, I will do it.” Eren was sincere in everything he said, clearly scared that he might truly get kicked out. I leaned close to him and whispered into his ear. 

“Never pull another prank war with me because I will crush you so bad that even your sister Mikasa will never get over the shame that will come to you. Oh and when you leave, change your pants. Pissing in them is fucking disgusting. Dismissed.” 

I leaned back and watched Eren sprint out of the room down the hall to his cell to change, his face and ears as red as a tomato. 

 

Fin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's over:( I had such a great time writing this and I appreciate all the hits, kudos, and that comment. I will be writing a fic for NaNoWriMo and posting it on here. Even though its going to be written in one month, it's updates will most likey be weekly or twice a week. Its a crossover between Avatar:The Last Airbender and SNK and it will be up shortly. Most likely tonight or tomorrow. Thanks a bunch again and you can find me at www.chibinico.tumblr.com


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